Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize