i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize