Tell her she can't have a vagina
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
