I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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