i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
