I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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