At least make sure they are 18
Why
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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