Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
