i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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