U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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