I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
