I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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