she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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