I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
