I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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