that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
