We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
