Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
