If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
