My liver just broke up with me...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this will be a night to untag.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
