My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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