Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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