Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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