Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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