fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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