you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
