a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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