Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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