Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
