Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
