you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
