I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
