well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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