Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have aggressive nipples.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
