She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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