Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
where are my eyebrows?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
