you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
