it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
