Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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