i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
