Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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