what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize