dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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