I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
