the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
