Will you blow on my dice?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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