THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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