i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
