I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
