her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
