So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
