i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize