I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dick very happy bro
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
