ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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