My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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