My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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