I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
