After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
