I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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