I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
