No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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