Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
