The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
