You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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