2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
