Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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