you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
