I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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