highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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