see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
