Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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